“She’s not the same since her son died!” Was something I heard in a supermarket queue one day about 6 years ago when a customer in another queue spoke to the check-out lady. I was also 6 months after my own son had died.
At the time, I couldn’t have imagined the impact those few words would have on me and my body. Shortly after that supermarket shop, I had a breakdown and went straight to MIND for help.
The physical pain followed shortly, and I fought against my doctor for a long time after he’d diagnosed fibromyalgia. Eventually though, I had to accept that this was how the pain and trauma of losing Jay had chosen to manifest itself.
I realise now, six years on, that my body couldn’t cope with the thoughts in my head. Which was odd because at the time I was letting every thought and emotion out, mainly targeted at the TEWV services for getting his care so wrong.
Because of ‘what I know’ it’s been harder to get my head around and I’ve not so much fought against the condition but been more frustrated at how I’m not able to rid my body of the pain and tiredness mainly as they affect my life so much.
I’ve researched it to death of course and at least I understand it more and how its here. I’ve always been better accepting things when they make sense and the fact that the shock knocked my brain out of sync, which means the neurons aren’t firing in harmony anymore, I get, because that’s literally how I’ve felt since he died. My world stopped making sense!
And it’s hard to be at peace with ‘it must have been his time’ when you know if he’d have had the correct care, he’d probably be living his best life now.
The services are just not able to do what they’re there for, for many many reasons, but mainly mismanagement. They say its underfunded but from what I’ve learned since is that its simply put into the wrong places and the fact that its local charities that are picking up the mess just isn’t good enough.
Daily I wake, hoping this will be the day I get my full life back. One where I can decide to do the garden, the housework without having to pay someone to do what I used to be able to do standing on my head.
I know I hide it well, and I also know I’m better off that some with this condition, as many are bed-bound on regular basis, but I work hard at staying on top of it and use every method I can to live to the best of my ability, but boy do I get down on the days I can’t do much, when my spirit wants to do the fandango.
I continue to search for that herb, crystal or therapy that will be the thing that gives me my full health back and until the I’m truly grateful for the love I receive from those who stuck by me, while the woman I used to be slipped away, and became the moaner instead of the fun person, the slowcoach in place of the force of nature that was Marie before my first born died.
“She’s not the same since her son died” was in fact a very true statement, but hopefully the light within me is finally breaking back out and I’ll shine the way I used to and I’m so looking forward to that day.
In the meantime, I give thanks daily for the family and friends I still have, that have stuck close by my side, because without them I really couldn’t have survived this.
At the time, I couldn’t have imagined the impact those few words would have on me and my body. Shortly after that supermarket shop, I had a breakdown and went straight to MIND for help.
The physical pain followed shortly, and I fought against my doctor for a long time after he’d diagnosed fibromyalgia. Eventually though, I had to accept that this was how the pain and trauma of losing Jay had chosen to manifest itself.
I realise now, six years on, that my body couldn’t cope with the thoughts in my head. Which was odd because at the time I was letting every thought and emotion out, mainly targeted at the TEWV services for getting his care so wrong.
Because of ‘what I know’ it’s been harder to get my head around and I’ve not so much fought against the condition but been more frustrated at how I’m not able to rid my body of the pain and tiredness mainly as they affect my life so much.
I’ve researched it to death of course and at least I understand it more and how its here. I’ve always been better accepting things when they make sense and the fact that the shock knocked my brain out of sync, which means the neurons aren’t firing in harmony anymore, I get, because that’s literally how I’ve felt since he died. My world stopped making sense!
And it’s hard to be at peace with ‘it must have been his time’ when you know if he’d have had the correct care, he’d probably be living his best life now.
The services are just not able to do what they’re there for, for many many reasons, but mainly mismanagement. They say its underfunded but from what I’ve learned since is that its simply put into the wrong places and the fact that its local charities that are picking up the mess just isn’t good enough.
Daily I wake, hoping this will be the day I get my full life back. One where I can decide to do the garden, the housework without having to pay someone to do what I used to be able to do standing on my head.
I know I hide it well, and I also know I’m better off that some with this condition, as many are bed-bound on regular basis, but I work hard at staying on top of it and use every method I can to live to the best of my ability, but boy do I get down on the days I can’t do much, when my spirit wants to do the fandango.
I continue to search for that herb, crystal or therapy that will be the thing that gives me my full health back and until the I’m truly grateful for the love I receive from those who stuck by me, while the woman I used to be slipped away, and became the moaner instead of the fun person, the slowcoach in place of the force of nature that was Marie before my first born died.
“She’s not the same since her son died” was in fact a very true statement, but hopefully the light within me is finally breaking back out and I’ll shine the way I used to and I’m so looking forward to that day.
In the meantime, I give thanks daily for the family and friends I still have, that have stuck close by my side, because without them I really couldn’t have survived this.