Most of you know by now that my son died three year ago gone January (see previous blogs) and this led me to ‘battle’ the NHS services to acknowledge their lack of care getting him into hospital.
To say it’s been hard is an understatement and as I’m a person who likes to see things through to the end, it’s with a heavy heart that I must concede. Not because I don’t believe they let him down, but because it’s took such a toll on my own health. Mental and physical. And I can only hope that I’ve stopped in time before I myself end up needed care.
Anyone who knows me, or have read my books, know I must believe in what I say, write and do, or I can’t do it. That’s the reason I’ve found it difficult to post the inspirational/spiritual stuff of my old days (old me), when I am struggling to live the words myself.
Grief has taught me I will never be the old me and I’m constantly reminded from those who know that I’ll never be the same again. The grief of losing my first born literally tears me apart on a regular basis. Don’t get me wrong, I do try, but no matter how much I work at being positive it doesn’t last long, and if it wasn’t for what I teach/write I really don’t believe I’d have survived this last three years.
As the body mind and spirit are connected, one can’t not be affected when the tsunami sweeps me away. When my spirit is high, the emotion, mental and physical layers must play catch up and just when I get there, another wave comes and knocks me off my feet again and it starts all over again. This as you can imagine is so tiring.
I decided to share this as I want people to know that, no matter what happens I still believe in what I teach and that although at times its looked like I’ve given up, I haven’t. Not only because I love my family so much, but most importantly, after many, many years of not, I finally love myself!
The health scares I’ve faced (and still facing) since losing Jay have been far too many, but in it’s defence, my body, mind AND spirit have taken such a battering with the constant hours of crying (or more accurately wailing) which has stressed out my organs, tissues etc. and with the exception of loving time spent with my family and friends, I’ve been pretty much sad most of the three years.
Worst still, I’m told it is still early days for losing a child!
Grieving would have been hard enough, but I’ve also put pressure on myself to be the ‘Well-being Consultant’ or the author who writes about how the body can heal itself. Hopefully folk will remember I also say, ‘when not in a state of stress’ and while experiencing physical problems and depression on top of grief, it has been a tough few years.
Also, as I’ve always raised awareness on injustices, mental health etc., and have promoted helplines for the huge problem with suicide in our area, I think this has led people to believe that’s how my son died, and I end up defending that he didn’t, by telling how he did! Clearly not helping my well-being.
Anyway, I felt the need to blog again, as apparently, we lose followers if we don’t post regular on social media. I know I lost over 500 twitter followers in the first few months of Jay passing as I wasn’t posting and have since lost over half of my 2000. I panicked at first worrying it would affect by book etc., but quickly realised I could live with that – after all, I had bigger things to think about such as looking after myself.
But I’d rather not post at all if I can’t mean what I post.
For those of you who have stayed with me, thank you and hope one day soon at least part of the old bubbly Marie will join me in life and start posting how amazing life really is and it is :)