It’s such a lovely time of year isn’t it!
But not for everyone of course.
For some it’s a reminder of things they’ve lost, such as a break-up, a job, so they can’t buy loved ones presents. The loss of their personality through depression, illness etc as they’re usually tied together, and then there’s the loss of someone you love and you’re grieving. That’s when this time of year is most difficult to muster up the smiles, laughter and the simple joy of the season.
Throughout the year these things are still affecting us, but somehow at Christmas and New Year, we are reminded of what we don’t have. I know the secret is to try to be in the present moment, focus and be grateful for the things we still have. But somehow the lack of seems to grow bigger now. Maybe it’s all the advertising of families around the tree smiling hugging etc, but I think for me it’s the music that gets me the most. Happy songs make me miss my son, Christmas songs make me miss him and of course there’s the sad ones, or the ones that he loved.
I made Christmas the most magical time of the year for my children, as for me as a child they weren’t, and I can only remember two Christmases with my mam as I was always sent to my Aunts, so I always wanted to make Christmas special for my children.
My daughter reminded me of that in her card this year:
“Dear mam, you taught us the spirit of Christmas – anticipation, excitement, magic and wonder, family, warmth, food and the loveliest, cosiest feeling of being together……and because of that I know how to make Christmas for my family as they grow”.
I so want to get those feeling back in my life, because those feelings are what life is all about.
I said to my other son when we were walking last week, that I feel like the fire in my heart has gone out and has only been a pilot light for that last two year – but, turn it around and am so grateful it’s still flickering at all.
I read the books, watch the videos and listen to wise words on how to grieve, but as I’ve found out since that gorgeous light that was my physical son went out, there really is no route to take.
It’s a path I never wanted to travel and to be honest, one I’ve always feared, as I’m sure all parents do. It’s also a very lonely path as you don’t want to bother family – they’re grieving too, and you feel that you’ve sickened your fiends with all the crying constantly over coffee cups, even though you know they’d be there if you asked.
The Spirit of Christmas really should be there every day, as our world could do with it. Kindness to those in need, compassion for those less fortunate and the general spreading of love all around. That was my Christmas wish to all this year.
Remember to regularly show your family and friends how much they mean to you, because you never know when it’s your last conversation, as I found out two years ago yesterday.
As I was leaving him at the hospital (thinking he’d be out in a week), he said he loved me, and I returned his cuddle and said, “I love you too and I’ll see you in the morning son!” not knowing they’d have to induce a coma through the night so we never spoke again. Once again I turn it around and thank God we got the chance to have those as our last words on earth.
Yes, I know I will see him again in spirit and I know he has ways of showing me he’s still around and I treasure that too, because I don’t know how I’d cope without those moments. But there’s nothing like the smile, laughter, touch or even an argument to show this dance of life in all its glory. This really isn’t a rehearsal (and try to remember that when I’m sat in the dark crying) that we must make the most of each precious day here on this wonderful planet.
Quote: You can have regret from yesterday, fear tomorrow, but peace today by sharing your heart’s deepest feelings. A life spent being fearful of showing your soul is a life not worth living –Shannon L. Alder
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